


Don't go...

by fallenangel32



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Depression, F/M, I'm Sorry, Not Canon Compliant, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 10:52:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16554398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenangel32/pseuds/fallenangel32
Summary: Hawke has had more than enough of people leaving her, when she loses her last family member, she cannot face it anymore.





	Don't go...

I can't do anything but stare at him in shock.

 

“All I wanted was to be happy...just for a little while. Forgive me” was all he said, before walking out.

 

With the unexpected rejection numbing her entire body, by the time I could pull on her robe and leave her room, he was long gone.

 

Mother, concerned about her eldest daughter came closer, “Rienne, was that Fenris leaving now? Did he spend the night?”

 

Tears threatening to spill, deciding it was probably wise to not show my mother how terribly heartbroken I was feeling, I fled and ran back to my room, shutting the door behind me, I slid down against it, deep, painful sobs threatening to overwhelm me. “He has taken a piece of me with him, and I will never be the same again.” I gave in to the tears, sitting against the door and crying for some time. When I felt exhausted, like I could not cry any more, I washed my face using the cold water in the basin in my room, and climbed into the bed that still smelled like him. Tears starting to pour down my face once again as I inhaled his unique scent.

 

Unable to fall asleep, I tried sitting at my desk to write in my journal for a while, but I could not focus, nor concentrate on anything in particular feeling the lowest I had felt since Bethany died in the Deep Roads.

 

My eye fell on the crate of potions that Anders left for me last week, kneeling in front of the crate, I rifled through them for something that would help me sleep, so I can try to forget, at least for a little while. I found what appeared to be a sleeping potion. Locking my door, I read the note that Anders had left with it, “No more than a teaspoon full, in a cup of water” I decided to simply take a big swallow out of the bottle. Placing it back with the rest, I clambered back into bed, pulling the covers up and over my head.

 

At some point I heard knocking on my door, ignoring it I took another swallow of the sleeping potion and went back to bed. Before I fell asleep I thought, “I'll deal with whatever it is, in the morning.”

 

When morning came, I woke up feeling very groggy and weak, shrugging it off, I decided to take a bath, after equipping my usual armor and bow, I left my room, Mother was nowhere to be found, so I simply said “Good Morning” to Bodahn, Sandal and Orana, and left. We were going after Varnell that day, so it was going to be tough. I collected Aveline, Fenris and Anders, and off we went.

 

I was injured, I was tired, not in a great mood, so when I opened the front door to hear Gamlen arguing with Bodahn and Sandal, I was pissed off.

 

Mother was missing. I gathered who I could, and went to Lowtown in search of her.

 

“My little girl has become so strong. I love you. You've always made me so proud.” was all she said, before she went completely limp in my arms. I could hear someone speaking to me, but the words were lost due to the thrumming of my heart in my ears. I laid her down as gently as I could, crossing her hands over her chest and closing her eyes.

 

The only thing that echoed inside me was NO.

 

“No, no, no, no, not my last family” I somehow heard myself say. “Now I truly have nothing left.”

 

Turning and running as fast as I could I went home. When Gamlen wanted to know what happened, I told him that it was my fault, I wasn't fast enough, and he agreed, screaming at me that it was my fault that she was dead, then leaving shortly after.

 

His words echoed in my head, the painful emptiness in my chest growing further and further. I sluggishly walked up the steps to my room, went to the bathing chamber to draw a warm bath, and went to the potions crate. Staring at the little bottle containing the sleeping potion, I took it with me, as well as my belt dagger.

 

Stripping down, I eyed the bottle on the little table next to the bathtub. Closing the door, I breathed deeply trying to slow and calm my heartbeat. The incredible guilt and shame washed through me that I was responsible for my entire family dying.

 

I climbed in to the tub, but this time I felt no comfort from being in the warm and fragrant water. I grabbed the potion bottle, and swallowed its entire contents, before dropping the bottle on the floor, I vaguely heard it smash, taking my dagger, digging the point into my right wrist, I dragged a long cut down my arm, all the way to the inside of my elbow, biting my tongue for courage, I decided to mirror it on the other side, this cut was not as even as the first, but it was deeper, if that is even possible. The pain was overwhelming, I lowered my arms down into the hot water, knowing that the heat of the water would make me bleed out quicker. I started feeling loose, in a sense, like I could let go of my life at any time. This feeling made me drowsy, I tried fighting sleep, but could not do so for long, and it took me to a dark, warm and soundless place.

 

**Fenris POV**

 

I had to go check on her, after she had run out on us after we found her Mother. Aveline had not been angry, instead had understood why Hawke had fled from us, she had made the arrangements to have Leandra's body removed from below the foundry and prepared for her pyre.

 

When I got to her house, I saw her Uncle leave in what appeared to be a rage. Staying in the shadows I watched him leave until I could see him no longer. Watching the house for a time, trying to think of something to say to be able to comfort her, if she would even want me to, after I had walked out on her.

 

I entered the house silently, nobody was to be seen, I heard a splash coming from what I knew to be her bathing chamber, staying downstairs in case she came down, I paced a little, petting her dog Crumpet, where he laid before the hearth. Not hearing any more sounds coming from the bathing chamber, I decided to brave her wrath and face her.

 

She was not in her room, and the fire in her room was unlit. This was very strange indeed. With a growing feeling of unease, I waited outside the door to the bathing chamber, hearing nothing within, I garnered a peek inside, only to see a shattered potion bottle on the floor, a dagger lying close by, and Hawke herself, fast asleep, nearly submerged under the water.

 

“Venedhis”, I cursed. Hurrying to her side, I thought she must have fallen asleep in the bathtub. After the exhausting day she had, it would not surprise me.

  
As I hurried closer, I accidentally kicked the dagger underneath the tub, nearly slipping on something wet where the dagger was previously. Ignoring it for now, I tried lifting her from the bath so she could get some sleep in her bed, it would be far more comfortable than the bathtub. I had managed to lift her, she opened her eyes weakly, and then I noticed the deep cuts on the insides of her wrists, shock and fear lancing through me, I shouted for Bodahn. When he saw the deep self-inflicted cuts on her wrists he blanched.

 

“Messere Fenris, you should take her to Master Anders, quickly, use the cellar passage to get there faster.”

 

He unlocked said door for me, and carrying her I hurried as fast as I could to the abomi...Anders' clinic.

 

I banged on the door until he opened up, pushing past him I placed Hawke gently on top of one of the cots in the clinic. Brushing her hair away from her face, I could not help the fear I felt as I saw how pale she was.

 

“What did you do to her, mongrel.” Anders could not help taunting me.

 

“I did nothing, abomination, I found her this way and brought her straight to you. You still claim to be a competent healer, do you not?” I answered with a calmness I did not feel.

 

“Did she poison herself, or something, she is weaker than she should be” Anders questioned me.

 

“I know not, mage, I saw a shattered potion bottle on the floor in her bathing chamber, but did not take the time to examine it closely.” I snarled.

 

Watching as his hands glowed a soft blue, trying to heal her, after several minutes of trying, he turned to me and said, “Her body is fighting the healing, she wants to die.” Anders sadly supplied.

 

“NO, I will NOT allow it.” I nearly screamed at him.

 

I could hear him practically begging his dem..spirit to help heal Hawke, but even with the spirits help, the wounds on her arms would not close, nor her paleness diminish, nor would she wake up.

 

Fear was growing in my heart that I may have lost her for good. Tears pricked behing my eyes, but I would not allow this mage of all people to see me cry.

 

Kneeling next to her, I whispered in her ear, “Please amata, te amo, come back to me, leaving you was the worst mistake I have ever made. Te amo, quaeso, ne derelinquas me.” I pleaded with her over and over again.

 

After staying like that for a while, I noticed her breathing was becoming more shallow, a short time later, with Anders still trying to heal her, everything stopped. It felt like my heart was being torn from my body. I could do nothing but watch. Her heart stopped, her breath stopped. She was gone.

 

I had lost the only thing I had ever chosen for myself, because I could not trust that she would help me through my issues about my past, and a mage had taken more from her, leaving her feeling unable to cope with this life any longer.

 

Staring at her blindly, I wished, hoped, and prayed to anyone who would listen to please bring her back, but to no avail. She was gone, and soon, I would be too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This might not be everyone's cup of tea, but its been in my head for a while and I though I might as well get it out while the getting's good.
> 
> Thank you in advance for reading, comments and any kudos you may leave 
> 
> :)


End file.
